Friday, August 12, 2011

Some days you just feel blah...

And for me that day is today. For a vacation week, this week has been nothing but stressful and full of disappointing moments and my feelings being hurt. Sometimes people just suck. And for the first time in ten weeks I haven't been on the go and have been home with my sweet family and what have I spent the most time doing? Crying. Yeup, I have literally been brought to tears almost every day.

I am complete honest about the fact that my family sucks, there is no closeness and there is very little of actual "family" moments. Of my relatives, the one I talk to the most is my Grandmother and even then its not as frequently as I would like. I have not spoken to my Aunts and cousins in almost ten years, and my Grandfather and Step-grandmother in like two years. I found out in December that my Grandmother was real sick with cancer and she has been receiving treatment for the past few months and we thought she was getting better. Earlier this week I found out that she is not, she is struggling with her treatment right now and is exhausted. And the doctors don't know what to do next. Every time I think about it I start crying and cant bear the thought of my Grandmother dying. Please pray that she gets better.

On top of that I had a huge falling out with my family this week. At this point I don't see myself ever having a good relationship with my parents and siblings. I find myself separating from them more and more  every day. Up until this point I have tried to be hopeful that things would work out but they aren't. They continuously make me feel like I am not part of the family and that nothing I do is right, I feel like a scapegoat and I'm over it. I am thankful every day for the family I have with Ben and that I have become a part of his. Between my grandmother, my family and a few other things my heart hurts this week. I found myself disappointed in people I never expected to disappoint me.

As a result my vacation week has been somewhat stressful and not as relaxed as I had hoped. These past few months have been full of hard work, constantly being busy and constantly traveling. I knew when I made the decision to go to Clemson it would be a struggle but I know it will be worth it in May when I graduate with my M.A.T. I finished up Summer School with a 4.0 gpa! Yay :) I am very proud of that fact and it wouldn't have occurred without the help and support of Ben and his family. School has been hard, but being away from Ben and Annie has been even harder. I miss them every day, having half of your family living 2 1/2 hours away is heart wrenching. Ben and I alternate every weekend driving to see each other. I go to GA one weekend, him and Annie come to SC the next. We have always been traveling and doing things for as long as I can remember, but it gets exhausting when you travel almost every weekend for months. Too bad we can accumulate frequent driving miles. Every day I say a prayer that the right job will come along for Ben in SC.

I know this update hasn't been the most positive but there have been some good things from this week and I will post about that later. For now I am going to go be spend time with my Annie!

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